Thursday, August 10, 2017

Words for Wednesday ...

Let the word games continue ... I'm joining the wonderfully creative bloggers at Drifting Through Life and Elephant's Child for this week's words. 

When you live in an abusive relationship, it can sometimes seem like having multiple dynamic personalities.  Who you are alone in public, or your demeanor at work can be dramatically different from who you are at home. What may seem like an easy solution to the problem ~ leaving ~ isn't always that simple. The longer you stay, the harder it can be to leave because you often don't have many ~ or any ~ friends or family that know your situation. It is not something that is easy to talk about or explain why you have stayed.

To someone who has never lived that life of fear and uncertainty, they don't understand that you didn't choose that life, or that person because of how they would treat you. Abusers lure you in with all the right words and actions.  Even when you start to suspect that something isn't quite right in your relationship, they know exactly what to say to make you question yourself and not them. By the time you realize that you are in trouble, usually, after the ring is on your finger, it is often too difficult to easily walk away.

Choosing to leave requires thought and planning.  Oh, you can certainly drop everything and run. But chances are that your abuser has so completely controlled you, so completely manipulated you, that you may have little or no financial resources to fall back on if you choose to run. So when you make that decision, you need to make sure you can stick to it because going back shouldn't be an option.  Going back may not mean smoothly going back to a familiar situation. It could mean going back to something much worse because now there is retaliation for having the audacity to leave.

She knew all these things when she made the decision that enough was enough and that she wouldn't be able to pull off any Jennifer Lopez moves. She also knew that she never wanted him to be able to treat another woman the way he had treated her. She wanted out and she wanted to be able to sleep at night.

The cabin was deep in the woods.  So deep that when the real estate agent took her out to show her the property, they had to walk a mile off the dirt road that required four-wheelers to get even that close.  There was no mobile phone service, and without electricity, there were also no lights in the cabin. For a hunter, it was the perfect property.  For the hunted, it was the perfect property.

It had taken her ten years of putting aside loose change and spare dollars. She'd had to save them at the office where she worked, hidden in a locked box, in the back of a locked desk drawer.  As soon as she'd saved enough she would exchange her smaller coins and bills for a larger denomination bill to save space in the box.  Eventually, she'd been forced to buy three other lock boxes.  But she finally had saved and hidden enough. Buying the cabin for $6000 had made a dent in her savings, but she knew it was perfect for what she had in mind. 

The real estate agent was surprised that she wanted to pay cash, but he didn't complain.  The cabin had been on the market for ten years, and there weren't even any living heirs anymore to transfer the deed.  In fact, there wouldn't be any transfer.  The terms of the sale were that the cabin would need to be moved or burned within the next year when the land lease with the national forest was up. The cabin would be hers, but there would be no way to prove it if anyone ever asked.  The cash she paid for the property already filled his pockets, and the deed to the property would line the bottom of his bird's cage in the morning.  He didn't dare risk depositing any of the cash.  No reason for the IRS to be alerted. It wasn't as if it was a huge sum anyway. If he was careful, he could probably not need another commission for three months.

She told her husband that a friend had offered her their cabin for the weekend. She said it in an offhand way as if she really didn't want to go, or even wanted to mention it to him. She knew that if she acted disinterested it would pique his interest and curiosity to the point of obsession. He asked where it was, and she said she wasn't positive, only that it was quite far and difficult to get to. He said they should go that weekend.

From the dirt road where they left the side-by-side four-wheeler, it should have been a straight mile west to the cabin, taking them less than 30 minutes to reach. But she didn't want him to know she had been there several times already to prepare. Instead, she went southeast, then east before turning north and making a gradual southwesterly turn, taking two hours to get to the cabin.

Sunset was in an hour by the time they reached the cabin, but they were deep enough into the forest that it seemed as if the sun had already set. Holding her cell phone as a flashlight, she followed him into the cabin and making sure that the trap door to the tiny root cellar under the cabin was still open. She waited until he was close to the open door, then acted as if she tripped on a chair leg and threw her weight against him.  As he went flying down the stairs, she quickly slammed the door closed and put a lock on it.

There had been an audible thud when he had landed on the bare sand floor, then nothing. She waited in the darkness and silence.  She thought once she heard him curse her name but then realized that it might have just been her conscious making her feel guilty.  Looking at her watch, she suddenly realized that she had been sitting there for almost an hour.  There hadn't been any sound from the root cellar in all that time.

She slowly stood, the floor creaking as she moved. Suddenly it was if he had been waiting at the top of the stairs the entire time, just listening for her to move.  He pounded angrily on the trap door and screamed profanities at her, demanding that she let him out immediately so that he could deal with her face to face.

The irony of his demand and the sudden shock and fear she felt of what he would do to her if the lock or door didn't hold made her burst into hysterical laughter. She quickly put her hand over mouth, shaking so hard she almost fell to the floor.  He screamed at her and began pounding on the trap door again even harder.

Turning quickly, she ran from the cabin and into the darkness.  She had made the hike through the woods several times to learn landmarks that she would have to feel in the darkness when she didn't want to use a flashlight. But she still stumbled and cried out with fear when she thought she had taken a wrong turn.

It took her an hour to get back to the side-by-side, walking with her hands in front of her to feel for the next landmark tree, counting her steps along the way. Every sound, every snap of a branch, or rustle of leaves made her freeze and listen, holding her breath until she couldn't hold it any longer. When she finally got back to the truck and trailer they had rented, she drove the side-by-side up the ranps onto the trailer and quickly drove back to the rental yard.  She dropped the keys in the rental box and drove her car straight home.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Monday's List 32 of 52 or 8 ...
If I'd made my Sunday list on Saturday, and read it on Friday, I'd have been on time with Monday's list.  I'm participating this year with the Moorea Seal 52 Lists Project

32/8: List the ways you get energized.

1. Coffee
2. Anger
3. Pain
4. Repeat

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Wednesday's Words ...

What?!? Wednesday already?!? Where has this week gone??? I'm picking up where I left off last week and joining the wonderfully creative bloggers at Drifting Through Life and Elephant's Child for this week's words. 

     It had been their anniversary the weekend prior. As he had regularly for the past 11 years, her husband had forgotten about it until he came home from work and saw the candlelit dinner she had prepared for them. He stood in the doorway of the dining room for a moment with a confused look on his face.
     "I guess today is some kind of an occasion or something?"
     She looked up at him and hesitated before answering. She had to carefully process her response. If he was just testing her, a sarcastic response could be dangerous. But if he had truly forgotten, then reminding him could also be dangerous.
     "Every day with you is special, dear."
     He studied her face, moving closer until his height towered over her. She knew instantly that he had been testing her and that her cautious answer had been too close to being sarcasm.  She mentally kicked herself. He leaned down, whispering to her.
     "Perhaps we should celebrate with a matinee movie.  Not this crap you made that they wouldn't even serve in the concessions stand."
     She held her breath, waiting until he stepped back before she inhaled again. Something had obviously died inside of him.  The stench of his breath and the blackness of his teeth had almost made her vomit.
     "That sounds nice.  There is an indie film festival this weekend. Maybe we could see something? I heard there was a movie showing called Suburbia. Or maybe it was called The Safety of Objects? I can't remember which.  But it has Glenn Close in it, and I know you like her work."  

     They had gone to the movie and later had dinner in one of the nicer, more expensive restaurants in town.  She had been surprised at his willingness to see an indie movie, and even more surprised when he had suggested the restaurant.
     The next morning she had woken up early, thinking of something Glenn Close's character had said in the movie.

"How did I get here? Somewhere along the way, things have gotten out of hand. I don't know how. I tried to do things right, but... maybe that's the problem. Maybe there is no right or wrong. We're ruled by chaos. That would make more sense. That there are no rewards, no punishments. Life isn't a series of results of things done right or wrong. It's all just random. Those are the rules. There are no rules."
      The movie had given her the courage to take the next step. She knew that what she had planned for him would almost be considered overkill but she knew she couldn't do another year with him.  It was time to end it.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Monday's List ... 31 of 52 or 7

Without a list, I'm wandering lost all week.  Fortunately,  I'm participating this year with Patti Miinch and the Moorea Seal 52 Lists Project.  I should have saved last Monday's picture for today, so I've swapped them out.

31/7: List the words that define your personality [words: plural = not just a singular word]

1. Courageous in confronting my fears
2. Creative
3. Fiercely protective
4. Stronger than I thought
5. Able to laugh over tall buildings and faster than a speeding train
6. Loving & compassionate
7. Giving & forgiving (can't forgive without being able to give it)
8. Patient (a difficult virtue of learning, but without it, nothing ever happens)

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Wednesday's Words

It is Wednesday and we are getting ready to go out of town to see Roger Waters of Pink Floyd fame in concert.  I'm rushing to get my words in with Elephant's Child and Mumblings before we have to leave.

She picked the suitcase up off the carpet and as she set it on the bed with determination to unzip it, she shook her head. It wasn't just that he was filthy and disgusting that was making her want to leave him. It was everything else. He had become a maniacal megalomaniac, with his finicky quirks about cleaning. Just that morning he had hit her repeatedly with the duster as she was trying to reach the tops of the ceiling fans. He had found a speck of dust on the magazine that she had been reading in the bathroom, the only room of the house where she felt like she had some privacy away from his dominant display of arrogance and hypocrisy.

For a man who was a freak about cleaning the house, from the baseboards to the ceiling fans, his personal hygienic habits were completely opposite.  She couldn't remember the last time he had bathed, used deodorant, or brushed his teeth.  The stench that emanated from him was overpowering and reminded her of a dead deer they had once stumbled upon when they were hiking shortly after they married.

She paused in her packing, thinking back to that day. They had literally stumbled upon the dead deer, rounding a corner in the path they had tripped over one of the deer's hind legs and he had fallen elbow deep into the decaying abdomen of the pregnant doe.  She had managed to catch herself on a tree limb to keep from falling, but he had not moved for several minutes before she had finally called out his name.  He had jumped up at that moment and kicked the carcass with his boots, but still hadn't made a sound. Turning towards her, she saw his hand reach for his carbine strapped to his waist and for a moment she was afraid.

He had always been dominant over her. Setting out the clothes he expected her to wear each day, reading her email and mail, checking her cell phone for calls made or received and questioning her on numbers he hadn't already saved into her contacts list. When they first met he hadn't been so controlling, only slightly jealous and possessive in a way that made her feel wanted and desired. After they married, however, she realized that he was becoming more controlling, more possessive, and more jealous in ways that no longer made her feel special. Instead, she felt like just a thing to be owned, as if she was no longer a person but a cheap material thing he had bought at a flea market.  She became afraid of him as he subtly eliminated all of her friends and family from her life. Her self-esteem diminished to the point of suicidal depression, and she felt trapped and hopeless.

Each day was like waking up to a new nightmare, where she would never know what was coming next. His mood swings increased, often set off by something that had nothing to do with her or him, yet she took the brunt of his anger. Perhaps a customer had made a comment about his weight gain, or he had seen a commercial on television for deodorant. It never made any sense and she had stopped trying to make sense of it at all.

After 12 years of marriage though, he had made one tactical mistake....

Monday, July 24, 2017

Monday's List ... 30 of 52 or 6

Life gets hectic at times, and list making has kept me "straight." I'm participating this year with Patti Miinch and the Moorea Seal 52 Lists Project.

30/6:  List the qualities you admire most in others.

1. The ability to laugh at themselves and not others.
2. Compassion & kindness for all living things.
3. Being honest with others and with self.
4. High work ethics, but the wisdom that family comes first.
5. Creativity.

Friday, July 21, 2017

collect ... in 5

I'm collecting my thoughts here with the wonderfully talented writers at Five Minute Friday again this week ...

I collect rocks almost as much as I collect words, although currently, my rock collection is probably larger than my book collection.

They come with tangible memories attached to them of places we've been, and in some cases, the people we have been with.

Last night I reached out to a nephew to ask if he wanted a rock I had kept from Carpinteria Beach in California. It was the last time I had seen him.  In 1999.  For me, the rock was a reminder of time spent with him and his brother.  For him, it will be a reminder of a vacation spent with his uncle who recently passed away.

deceptively innocent looking, isn't she?
I also collect bird nests, fragments of varied and colorful wild bird eggshells, feathers, paper wasp nests, butterfly wings, beach shells, sand, driftwood, and birch bark.  Recently I found a double decker paper wasp nest.  I used to keep my "treasures" in a bowl on my writing desk for inspiration.

However, with the addition of one curious kitten named Lucy Magillicutty to our family, I've had to start keeping things in closed jars. She also likes to collect things.  Stray pennies to drop into my husband's work boots. His gently used foam ear plugs from work. Cough drops. Sponge stencil brushes. Guitar picks. Empty toilet paper rolls.

I collect things of nature because of the beauty in all that He creates.

Your adornment must not be merely external—with interweaving and elaborate knotting of the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or [being superficially preoccupied with] dressing in expensive clothes; but let it be [the inner beauty of] the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, [one that is calm and self-controlled, not over anxious, but serene and spiritually mature] which is very precious in the sight of God. 
~ 1 Peter 3:3-4 [AMP] ~

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Words on Wednesday ...

Some weeks it seems like I just blink and it is Wednesday again. I'm joining the creativity, better late than never, over at Mumblings ...

It was a quiet evening on the water.  The sun was beginning to set, and there was a mist moving in from Lake Superior over Chequamegon Bay that gave it a mystical glow.

Just barely in her peripheral vision, Rose saw the Ashland Breakwater Light. She wondered if she would be able to swim to it before the cold water made it impossible for her to move her arms and legs.

Focusing on the beacon of light, she began to swim with determination. With each stroke, she thought of the events that had put her in the water that afternoon.

Rose and Andrew had taken an old sailboat named Misty Mountain Melody out for a test run on the bay. Their lives had finally reached a point where money was no object, and they were thinking of buying the boat to restore and live on during the summer months.  As the sails filled with the wind off the lake, they had tacked back and forth in the bay.  The fish finder radar showed plentiful fish beneath them, but they hadn't brought anything to bait their hooks with.

When the sun began to set, they drew in the sails and dropped anchor for the night. Rose went below to set out the splendid antique china that would come with the boat and opened the cooler she had brought with their evening meal, bacon, and eggs for breakfast carefully packed in it.  The small gas stove in the galley crackled as she lit it.

Hearing a noise behind her in the bow where the hammock that they would sleep in was hung, she turned to see the wispy image of a young woman in a long dress that would have been more appropriate at a debutante ball than in the cabin of a sailboat.

Startled to realize that she could see the hammock through the young woman, Rose backed up to the ladder leading up to the deck of the sailboat. The girl began to move towards her, whispering of long dormant jealousy, and the slanderous lies that had trapped her there in the boat. She had been in love with a sailor, the man who had built the boat by hand over two hundred years before. She thought he had been in love with her as well.

But one day she had surprised him by bringing his midday meal and had found him in the arms of her sister. They had denied their feelings for each other and instead had publically accused her of having an affair with another young man in the city who had recently been caught stealing from the market. Shamed and humiliated, she cursed both of them and vowed the destruction of the boat before she hung herself from the top mast of the sailboat.

The ancient gas stove hisses and popped as the young woman pointed an accusing finger towards her.  "You stole him from me!  How could you do that to me, sister?"

Rose started to respond as she backed up the stairs to the deck, but knew that the ghost of the young woman wasn't seeing her, but was seeing what had happened to her long ago.  The gas stove hissed again and the young woman turned. With a wave of her hand, the flames died as the gas continued to hiss.

Backing faster now, Rose burst up onto the deck and grabbed her husband, throwing both of them into the water just as the sailboat exploded into complete destruction.

Exhaustion now began to creep into her arms in the cold, and she began to doubt for the first time that she would reach the lighthouse.  Suddenly, a fishing boat appeared and pulled both of them out of the water.  

Weeks later, filled with gratitude for the men who had rescued them, she had gone to the local historical society to ask about the boat and the man who had built it.  

The boat had been built in the early 1800's and named for a young woman that the man was engaged to be married to. But tragedy had struck before he had been able to put the boat in the water for her first sail.  For reasons that no one remembered, his fiancée had hung herself from the mast of the sailboat one night.   A year later, when the man and his late fiancée's sister had taken the boat out for her inaugural sail, the man had slipped on the deck, falling overboard and drowning.  When his late fiancée's sister had tried to rescue him, she had been tangled in the rigging of the main sail and had hung to death. Since then, every owner of the sailboat had met with some tragedy.

As Rose looked at the microfiche news articles showing the original obituary of the young woman, she gasped when she read that Melody had been born in a small Tennessee community called Misty Mountain and had been survived by her sister, Rosemary, and her fiancé, Andrew.

Reaching to turn off the microfiche machine, Rose hesitate when she heard a whisper behind her.

"I told you I would destroy her."

Monday, July 17, 2017

Monday's List ... 29 of 52 or 5

Dreaming with Patti Miinch today and Moorea Seal's 52 Lists Project.
List your childhood and current dream jobs:
1.  When I was in the 9th grade (1976-77), I was on the school newspaper staff. The Space Shuttle Columbia (which flew in 1981) was still being built and there was a great deal of excitement about it. I wrote a letter to NASA expressing my interest in being the first student journalism reporter in space. I'd still go in a heartbeat.

2.  In the first two years of high school, I had dreams of being an interior decorator and still love decorating, turning a house into a home that is comfortable and welcoming. I also thought about becoming an architect and drew up elaborate floor plans of my dream homes (and still do). 

3.  My senior year of high school, I turned my interest to physical therapy, with a brief thought of becoming a veterinarian. However, I quickly realized that I would become too emotionally attached to be able to be an objective care provider. Becoming a physical therapist remained a dream job for many years, encouraged by working at a United Way Cerebral Palsy Child Development Center, and at a practice where I was a PT aide. Unfortunately, I found out that before a student studied human cadavers, they worked on dog or cat cadavers and that was something I couldn't imagine doing without breaking into horrifyingly loud sobs.

4.  Now my dream job is to be a full-time writer. Books, blogs, web articles, radio ad copy, magazine articles, or as an ongoing newspaper columnist. I'd love to see Trooper's Run turned into a made-for-television movie by the Lifetime Channel.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

comfort ... in 5

Joining tonight a day late with the amazing and encouraging writers at Five Minute Friday ...

what was it about you? 

was it the fact that you shadowed me whenever I was in pain and did everything you could to comfort me?

was it the fact that you seemed to know and understand everything I said to you, even when I didn't fully understand myself?

do you know it still comforts me to talk to you late at night? 

you've been gone over a year now, and there are still moments and days when the loss grips my heart in a vice and I struggle to breathe.

they say there is a reason that dog spelled backward is God. 

could it be that the unconditional love shown to us by our dogs is a reflection of God's love for us? or that when we whisper our hurts into your floppy ears, that you whisper them to God for us? perhaps it is that the comfort we feel when you lean into us, is sent from God above?

when I still talk to you, I know that God hears me too.
when I feel comforted, I know that it is from God.
when I think of seeing you again, it comforts me more to know that you wait in God's presence too.