Saturday, March 31, 2012

Photo Selections...

     I thought this weekend I would post some creative fun as I join up with Kim at Frog Ponds Rock [yes, I know she doesn't put spaces in it, but I really like the spaces because I think, like she does, that frog ponds do rock] for her Sunday Selections meme.

     These are all different views of the same thing, and the last photo is the pieces all put together.

THE Phantom Warrior designed by artist Frank Frazetta's Death Dealer

Chapter 1

     The story really begins here about this invasion in my body.

     As I find out more in the coming ... years ... I will occasionally post a note to add a 'chapter' to the story, to share what I've learned, what I've tried, and how I have won.  I'm claiming victory in this battle.  Victory my way.

     I'm still waiting on a final biopsy result for what the "expert" thinks that I need to do.  I've already done a little research on my options and apart from the fact that I think the expert is a jerk-off, I've decided that none of them are options for me.

     There are no win-wins with the options that the "experts" offer.  They all have complications, additional reconstructive surgeries, or just a lot of pain, discomfort, loss of function and "loss of quality of life."  Even with these "options" there is a high possibility that the invasion would return... so for two years of treatment and after-treatment I could get what?  The option of doing it all again?  The knowledge that all of those efforts were wasted?  That I sacrificed my quality of life for... a new house or car for the expert?

     Quality of life.

     Three words that can make a difference in how we look at things.  The medical profession often just focuses on quantity... not quality.  How.Much.Time.  Anticipated.Life.Expectancy.

     I focus on quality.  I focus on time with my husband, my friends, my family, my dogs.  I focus on life, laughter, love.  I focus on rainy mornings snuggling under the covers... clear moonlit nights walking on the beach... afternoons fishing and watching the dogs play in the bay, chasing crabs in the water.  I focus on hugs, kisses, and close, intimate times with the man I love.

     I focus on life.

     The experts can focus on watching this invasion and waiting for me to change my mind, but I'm focusing on life.  I'm focusing on beating this invasion by not giving it the advantage.  By not letting the options weaken my body and my spirit.  I'm not going to allow it to happen.  I'm focusing on 'Winning!' because I'm not going to focus on losing any of my quality of life.

     Because my life has quality.

Friday, March 30, 2012

High Fives Friday ~ Chit Chat

Monday ~ Co-workers continue to humble me as they go out of their way to get me to and from work.  I'm grateful for them and the fellowship.  It was not a good day at work, but just being able to vent safely has been a blessing.  I'm so glad I got in the habit of talking to Mom every night.  We both miss it when we don't get to chit chat.  Even when we are just talking about the weather... I feel blessed to be able to listen to her voice.

Tuesday ~ An answered prayer earlier this after noon that I blogged about Tuesday, and today's doctor appointment left me waiting for yet another biopsy result.  Grateful for the church pastor and one of the members who went out of their way to take me to the appointment.  I tried not to be offended this afternoon when the doctor asked me if I could 'listen down there' while he was examining me.  Hello?  Does that part of my body look like it has ears?  We'd been chit-chatting for about fifteen minutes by then... that awkward chatter you make when you are half-naked in a room of strangers.  He should be grateful that part doesn't have teeth or I'd have snapped his fingers off for such a chauvinistic comment.

Wednesday ~ Rain this afternoon.  Everyone is complaining, but I love it.  Love walking in it and feeling it on my face.  The weeds in the yard apparently love it also... some are taller than Henry!  Must find someone to cut the grass...  I've not been able to connect with my husband tonight because of phone troubles.  I miss talking to him.  I miss him.  The voice mail is working, however, and so tonight I've called just to hear his voice.  I'm so glad that I found my soulmate at this time in my life.

Thursday ~ Thank God for friends (like Maureen) who give good hugs.  This week is dragging and it seems like every day there is another problem or fear to battle.  I just can't wait to get back to the beach again.  To be back home.  There will be people I miss talking to when I leave here... like Maureen... whose beautiful daughter has been receiving a lot of my cat clutter as I've tried to downsize the amount of 'stuff' I take back to Florida with me.  To hear Maureen talk about her, I know that she has been blessed.  There are times I wish I had children... but for now, just grateful for my steps... and my dogs.

Friday ~ It is Friday.  Need I say more?  I think some of the furniture has been sold.  Not as much as I want, and not for as much as I need, but every little bit counts right now.  I briefly talked to David last night.  He said my cat, Oreo, sits under the truck... waiting for me.  I can't wait to get home to talk to him again... oh yeah, and David too.  ;p

      I am linking with * Maxabella loves... today for her 52 Weeks of Grateful.  I love reading her chit chat and connecting with 'down under' bloggers.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Thursday Travels ~ Grewingk Glacier

     I thought I had posted already about my trip to Alaska in May 2008, but apparently not.  Wednesday snuck up on me, and with all that has been going on this week... I almost forgot about Thursday.

     These are photos from my trip to see my cousin.  We spent a wonderful weekend near Homer, AK, hiked a mountain, saw a fresh bear print in the mud, traversed an alder plain, kayaked out to Grewingk Glacier, and then hiked back.  It was incredible!

View from our cabin at Hideaway Cove Wilderness Lodge near Halibut Cove and Homer
We stayed the night before the hike.  So beautiful!

Stairs up to a point then hiked up and over the mountain.
Bear print in the mud.
Going down the far side to enter the Alder (tree) plain.

We've got to hike how far?????

A cairn we added to when we got closer to the glacier.

This was after we kayaked around the lake to a spot that was about a mile away from the glacier.
We could hear the glacier groaning and popping... a mile away!

The water temperature according to our guide was "3 minute" water.
Three minutes before you'd be in excruciating pain.
We had waders on over our clothes and heavy jackets.

The red line marks our hike, and the yellow where we kayaked.
Image is from Google Maps.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

What do you wish to rise above?

     There are many things that come to mind this morning as I contemplate this question... so many things I want to rise above....  I'm sure I could make as many wishes as are in this picture.

     I wish to rise above this time in my life when things weigh heavy on my heart and shoulders. 

     I wish to rise like these balloons... to feel light and free of worry... free of fear... free of doubt and uncertainty. 

     I wish to rise and conquer the demons that give me nightmares, thrashing as I sleep until the sheets are pulled loose and tangled around my feet.

     I wish to rise above this cancer... the fibromyalgia... the pain... to be able to sleep a restfull sleep and awake refreshed.  For there to be cures and treatment options that aren't worse than the disease.

     I wish to rise to my feet in celebration of these women who wish with me for their own healing and the healing of the Earth.

     I wish to rise...

     I wish to rise...

     I wish to rise...

It is Wishcasting Wednesday again.  You can be a maker of magic and a tender of wishes. It’s easy. Answer the wish prompt above on your blog and then add a direct link to your post in the box on Jamie Ridler Studios page. Support wishes by visiting other participants, leaving a comment saying “As (insert name) wishes for her/himself, so I wish for her/him also.” It’s that simple. There is great power in wishing together.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The one about God's sense of humor...

     True confession... when I'm at work and having a rough day for whatever reasons, I sometimes go to the Ladies Room to have a conversation with God.  It's just easier to talk to him quietly there without worrying about one of my co-workers calling security because I'm talking to myself... as much as I love padded rooms and warm jackets to wrap up in... I kind of like not being confined if you know what I mean.

     So today was "one of those days."  I'm stressed about getting to Florida, I'm stressed about the contracts I'm trying to finish up, I'm stressed about this cancer crap, I'm stressed about money... it just seems at times to all blow up at once.  It was just time for a little quiet conversation to get my focus back.

     I chatted for just a few minutes with God, my Guardian Angel, the Archangels, Ministry of Angels, Runners, Helpers... pretty much anyone who would listen... and probably anyone on the other side of the wall in the Mens.  The last thing I asked for before I headed back to my desk was that they would all just help me to find some way to get 'there' [Florida].  I just want to go home, to be with my husband, to put my feet in white sand and Gulf water.

     When I got back to my desk, there was a message on my answering machine.  Sgt Whatsherface with the K Police Dept about the report I filed.

      Report?  I filed?  I don't remember filing a report for anything since my car got hit the day after Christmas and that was a total waste of effort.

     I call her back.  Oh... right... the GPS that was stolen earlier this month...

     You found it?
    Yes, ma'am. It was pawned on the 9th.  Do you happen to know a man by the name of Cxxxxxx Jxxxxxx?
     I believe he is an acquaintance of my husbands but I don't personally know him.
     So he wouldn't have your permission to be in possession of your property?
     No, he wouldn't.
     And he wouldn't have your permission to pawn your property?
     Most definitely not.
Prayers ARE answered...
     It just so happens that we picked him up yesterday on a different charge and he is in jail now.  Would you be willing to press charges for the theft of your property?
     Most certainly.

     When I hung up the phone I did a little waist-up chair dance with a few woo-hoo's, followed by a dozen or more "Thank You's" to God and all the angels and miracle workers.

     We don't often get our prayers answered so quickly... so directly... and with such a sense of humor.  I asked for a way to get me there... and was given a road map.

     How much more direct can God be?


Snow falls quietly
Night sounds hush.
Owls watch silently,
Winter's cold rush.
~ Cindi ~ 2012 ~

Image Source

Monday, March 26, 2012


     I love rain.  I love the sound of it on windows, a skylight or on a tin roof.  I love the smell of it at the beach or in the desert.  I love how it makes the world look washed clean...

     I also love the spiritual significance it has for me when I have been looking for answers.

     There was a time when I was living in the Antelope Valley in California.  A place north of Los Angeles, southwest of Barstow, where the rains hit on the far side of the San Bernardino and Tehachapi mountains and seldom in the valley.  Where the wind could blow with the strength of a hurricane, dust storms could seem like tornadoes, and tumbleweeds could pile up higher than your house in an afternoon.

     It was a brown place.  A dry place.  A place where this mermaid soul from Florida could feel lost and alone.

     One afternoon I was on the way home from work and dreading going home to my abusive husband.  I had called before I left to let him know I was on the way, and I could tell by the tone of his voice and the one syllable conversation we had that he was angry about something.  It was not going to be a good night for me.

     As always, I talked to God on the way home, pouring out my fears to Him about what would greet me when I got home, and asking Him to please go before me and protect me.

     Suddenly, I could smell rain.  Strong, crisp, and damp sage in the air as it was after a heavy thunderstorm that came to wash the dust off of everything.  I slowed to a stop for a railroad crossing and tried to look out the windows of the car to see where the rain was falling... but could see nothing.
I love rain...

     As I twisted and turned in the car to find where the source of the rain smell was coming from, I heard it begin to hit the windshield and roof of the car, as if the sky had just opened up.  Instinctively I flipped on the windshield wipers without even looking, but when I did turn to look... the windshield was dry.  The hood of the car was dry.  The road was dry.

     I pulled over and got out of the car.  The sky was clear, the ground dry, the smell of rain now fading.  The wipers began to squeak as they went back and forth on the dry glass and I reached in to turn them off.

     I looked to see if the invisible rain had left a visible rainbow, but it hadn't.  I smiled at how relaxed the sound and smell had made me feel, and thanked God for the break.

     When I got home, my husband was angry... but I... was blissfully aware that God was with me and let him stew in his temper alone.  That was the year I finally got the courage to leave him.

     I love rain...

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Be strong and courageous...

     Church this morning held a powerful message for me.  While I don't think that Pastor Angel wrote the message "just" for me, I do believe that his words and choice of scriptures [Joshua 1:6-9; Psalm 42:11; Psalm 43:5; Hebrews 10:19-25; Acts 14:21-23; 1 Corinthians 9:24-25; James 1:2-4] were not a coincidence... any more than I believe his knock at the door last Monday night was a coincidence.

     I'm one of those who believes that ALL things happen for a reason.  That our lives are intricately designed for higher purposes and the people who come and go in our life, places we travel to, things we experience... the good, the bad, and even the ugly... all work together to make us into the person we are called to be.

6 "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them.
7Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. 
8 "Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 
9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”
~ Joshua 1:6-9 ~

Be strong and courageous.  Be strong and very courageous.  Be strong and courageous.

     This message was so important that it was said three times in the same chapter.  We were then told to not be afraid... to not be discouraged.

    When we face trials... tribulations... challenges... pain... losses... it can be so easy to become afraid and so easy to get discouraged.  To just say "I didn't realize it was going to be THIS hard. I don't know if I can do this. How am I supposed to keep my faith when I'm under attack, when the night is darkest, when everything seems to be going wrong."

    We can't imagine facing those times with "pure joy" and the last thing we want to hear is that we might face many hardships, trials, and tribulations before we finally get Home.

     But we know how the story ends, and we know that when we do get Home, we will never have to want for anything... or anyone.  There will be more love for us than we could ever hope to experience in a lifetime.  In a thousand lifetimes.  Because that is His promise to us.  That He will be with us wherever we go, that we will never lack for anything... and all we have to do...

     ... is be strong and courageous... do not be afraid... do not be discouraged.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

A spirit for writing...

Timber Wolf in Land of the Midnight Sun
 ~ Brooke Stone Jewelry ~
      Someone recently asked me about my books and I realized that I've never blogged much about them. There is a link to them on the right there to search for them on, but I've not talked about them.  I find it hard at times to toot my own horn... too many years as a wall~weed.

     Both of my fictions open with a Native American legend... oddly enough, I've not got any Native American blood in me. German, English, French-Canadian, and one Irish lass. Perhaps in a past life I was a Native American storyteller.

     "Trooper's Run" opens with a legend about wolves, and I used that because of a wolf I rescued during a hurricane - that much of the story in the book is true. But in real life he had a happier ending.

     It is about an abused woman who divorces and then flees to Alaska to escape her ex-husband who vows to kill her. She starts her life over again with a new name, reconnects with a lost love, and then has to fight for all she has built in her new life when her ex finds her.

     It also started as one of my thesis ideas when I was working on my MBA ~ chapter one is basically my business plan for renovating a vacant shopping center and revitalizing a neighborhood. I'd love to appear on The Shark Tank, or sit and chat with The Donald to see if he would back my idea. [Hint, Hint Universe!]

     "Trooper's Run" is about believing in, following and honoring your dreams... and never giving up on love or happiness.  It is violent... so not for the faint of heart... with some strong language.  But the goal was to make the reader dislike the antagonist (Owen) from the start so that the reader could see how far the protagonist (Cidney) had to go to be happy again.
     "Eagle Visions"  is again set in Alaska with all the characters from Trooper's Run, plus some new ones. 
Eagle Resurrection
 ~ Brooke Stone Jewelry ~
     It is also based on 9/11 PTSD issues for survivors and families.  On 11 Sept 2001, I was on a Delta flight from Florida to Pennsylvania that morning  for a business meeting in New Jersey.    My connecting flight in Atlanta was cancelled because of those horrific events, and I wound up driving back to Florida... sobbing as I listened to the radio.
Black Raven by Moonlight
~ Brooke Stone Jewelry ~

     The weekend prior to 9/11, I'd been in Connecticut, and took a day trip to New York City.  One of the things we did was to go to the top of one of the World Trade Center Towers.

     But for the grace of God... it could have happened while I was there since it was Labor Day weekend and the city was packed with tourists.

     "Eagle Visions" was about healing, rebirth and forgiveness... trusting your heart... being strong for those you love... and the things we do to survive.  It is not as violent... but depending on where you were on 9/11 you may react differently to the characters and their lives.  The language is softer as well (Mom approved).

     As I was writing "Eagle Visions," I researched the meanings of names when I was about three-quarters finished writing.  Amazingly, some of the names I had subconsciously chosen for characters all the way back to "Trooper's Run" had meanings that were tied to the "Eagle Visions" storyline.  It was a little creepy and eerie to feel like there was something spiritual and magical working through me to get the story out.

     I truly love these pieces by Brooke Stone Jewelry!  Such detail and beauty... and so much meaning for me.

     Donald ~ can we talk?  Oprah?  Ellen?  Lifetime Movie Channel ~ can we talk?  I've got some shopping to do... 

Friday, March 23, 2012

Five on Friday... Click-Clack

     It has been a roller coaster ride this week, so I'm dragging out the rose colored glasses again and putting things into perspective... *Maxabella loves... is blogging on being grateful for still being able to rock the school yard in her glam girl heels.  Yeah, I'm envious...

Monday...  A horrendous thunderstorm lasted all night, which managed to make up for the drought last year.  Big dog (scared of thunder) kept waking me up all night to open the spare bedrooms doors, front, back and inside garage doors because he was convinced there was someone in the house.  He's such a good dog.  Click-clack... the sound of Trooper's nails on the floor as he paces from door-to-door trying to bravely protect me from the thunder.  My big baby, God, I love that dog.

Tuesday... Both dogs have decided that it will be okay for them to take up most of the bed at night when they sleep.  Thankfully, my night sweats make it convenient for me to hang my butt out from under the little bit of comforter that they leave me.  Another plus... glow juice is not toxic and washes out.  It's a good thing.  Click-clack... the sound of me trying to switch the lights on when there is an obvious power-out issue going on.  Oh well, it doesn't hurt to try, does it?  The sound is also of me opening and closing drawers in the pitch black trying to find matches, a lighter, flashlight... anything to bring light into the darkness.  Damn!  There's the chair by the hall... oh my toes.  I'm so grateful for glow-in-the-dark paint, key fob flashlights... and neighbors.

Wednesday... the normally dry creek bed near the house remains a river even this afternoon and it hasn't rained since yesterday morning.  I attempted to give a 60-day notice to the landlord, but they said unless I found another renter, I'd still be responsible for the rent until September... fortunately, I may have someone else to rent the house.  Click-clack... the sound of the tires on my co-worker's car as we drive to work this morning on the overpass.  I'm so grateful for these people willing to go out of their way to help me.

okay... might need to dust a little...
Thursday... imagine a world with no internet... no email... and you've imagined what today was like at work.  It was actually pretty nice, and while I didn't get some things accomplished, I was able to start inventory on the files in my cube and get them sorted for closeout or working issues.  Click-clack... the sound of the keys on the keyboard tonight when I get home from work... ahhhhhhh... internet fix....  mmmmmm.... yes, I survived and can reconnect with the world again.  Hello, friends...

Friday... missed-communication allows me to tend to myself this morning as the stress of the week has rolled into an unpleasant physical ailment.  Some days it can be a good thing to just take some much needed time to stop and think about what I want.... because right now everything has just come crashing down around me.  Click-clack... click-clack... click-clack... the sound of the roller coaster in my brain going along the rails, around and around in circles... fast... slow... angry... sad... I'm grateful for the awareness of my emotions and the fact that I do have options...

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Thursday Travels... Tip Toe Through the Tulips...

     Spring always makes me think of the tulip gardens in The Netherlands.   While I would love love love to visit Germany in the spring, a real dream vacation would be Uniworlds Tulips & Windmills cruise.
Dutch Windmills
     This year's tour includes an excursion to Floriade 2012, a world flower show which is only held once every ten years.


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Mini Rave...

     The power went out Tuesday night at my house.

     Right after some unfamiliar teen came to the door and kept repeating "Cola?"  "Cola?"  "Cola?"

     No thanks, I'm a Pepsi person.

     So when the power went out I got a little paranoid.

     I know where all my candles are.  But could not find a lighter in the dark at all.  Nor could I find any flashlights at first [finally remembered I had a small keychain one in my purse].  I dug through the bag I took fishing with us for a stashed lighter.  It never failed that we would be out on the boat and David would realize he'd left his lighter in the truck.  But apparently... he had found it. 

     What I did find was one of those emergency glow sticks that you snap and shake.

     So while I was on the phone trying to get a hold of the electric company, peeking out the blinds to see if the rest of the neighbors had power, listening to see if Cola Boy was lurking about, I was trying to get the glow stick to work.

     Bend.  Snap.  Shake.
     Bend.  Snap.  Pop.

Shake it all about...
     And glow paint sprayed all over myself and the kitchen.

     When my laughter subsided, the barking big dog and I took my glowing, raving self and went over to the neighbors to bum a lighter where I found out that it was a blown transformer affecting the entire block.

     I'm sure they thought I was having some wild party.

     On those days when it seems like nothing can go right... even the wrong thing to happen can remind me that laughter cures everything.

     Rave anyone?

What do you wish would spring into your life?

     This morning I'm linking up with Jamie Ridler Studios for Wishcasting Wednesday "You can be a maker of magic and a tender of wishes. It’s easy. Answer the wish prompt above on your blog and then add a direct link to your post in the Mr. Linky box on Jamie's blog. Support wishes by visiting other participants, leaving a comment saying 'As (insert name) wishes for her/himself, so I wish for her/him also.' It’s that simple. There is great power in wishing together."

Last year's wisteria one mini bloom.

     As spring arrives in Texas, I see bluebells and yellow daisy flowers blooming wild along the roads.  The wisteria vines that I planted last year have tiny buds and new leaves on them to show that they survived the drought.

     Jamie's prompt has so many possible answers, and yet, at the same time when I consider what I would ask for... I see where much of my prayers have already been answered... needs met... desires filled.

     I'm reminded of the truism... Prayers are answered.  Just not always as we think they will be.  Sometimes the answer is no.  Sometimes it is not yet.  Sometimes... it is something better.

     What I'm wishing would come into my life this spring... is a car.  A vehicle that will (of course) fit the big dog riding shotgun, and all the things we need to move back to Florida.  Right now, I'm without transportation... relying on friends at work to take me back and forth, and members of a church to get me to my doctor appointments.  As much as I'm grateful for their willingness to take me... I like the freedom (and sense of security) that comes with having my own way of getting around when I need to be somewhere, or get something.

     Vroom, vroom...

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Mini me's....

     The amazing thing about wandering about in the blogosphere is that you frequently stumble upon something that just rocks your world.  It can be a crafty project... a recipe... a photo... words... or something like this... a video that makes you just sit back and say a quiet "Wow." before sharing it as well.

     I found this video on a blog titled Mira Narnie through Maxabella loves.  I was actually trying to be nosey and see a key fob that was made for Bron and instead wandered around and found this video.  Apparently the ad is banned in Australia, and I've never seen it here in the United States.  But I think that it is a must see for every parent, aunt, uncle, grandparent, big brother or sister.

     We forget sometimes who is watching us... and while they say that imitation is the most sincerest form of flattery... I think some would beg to differ.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Storms in our lives...

     It is thundering quite loudly outside.  Trooper is at my feet, shaking from fear.  Even when the lights went out for about 20 minutes and we could not yet hear the thunder, he began to shake, as if sensing the approaching storm.

     Earlier this afternoon, a guinea fowl appeared in the yard.  Most likely caught and blown in the rising wind from a farm somewhere.  The neighboring dogs were all eyes watching it run along the fence line in a panic, while one of the neighbors asked if we had gotten a new pet.

     No... maybe dinner if we can catch it... but not a pet.  Fortunately it flew to the top of a neighboring house and disappeared.

     Watching it run from me tonight as I tried to get close enough for a picture, and then watching it fly off... made me think of myself and how I've been running in a panic the last few weeks.  Oh, but to have the luxury of being able to fly away from it all.

     Storms come and go in our lives.  Literally and figuratively.  We may panic when the wind, rain, lightning and thunder begins, but we know that there will come sunlight and rainbows eventually.  Yet... when the figurative storms in our lives hit, we seem to forget that there will come brighter days.  Days when we will have wings to carry us away from the things we fear...

     Even when we don't have wings of our own to carry us... we are carried by angels who guide us.   This is one of those days... one of those times for me.

I just want to go home....

     I threw a prayer out to God late last night in the form of a blog, which you won't see here anymore.  I was desperate, in pain, and while I'm fairly certain God doesn't take the time to read my blog, I knew that just by putting my prayer out in that fashion, He would hear the pain in my heart and the words I couldn't say out loud... or even in whispers.

      I thought I had deleted it quickly enough after I posted it so that no one else would see it, but I wasn't fast enough and a very caring and compassionate person called me on it.  [Thank you for your hugs EC.]

     I used to write out prayers a lot more often ...  Take the time to spell things out on paper, then set it on fire in a small bowl, watching the ashes eventually disappear and believing that the paper regenerated itself (like a Phoenix) in His hands to read.  Taking the time to physically pour out my heart to Him on paper gave me the freedom to say what I was afraid to say.  All the truths that He knew anyway, but were the things that I lied to myself about.  Usually about being afraid.

     I've always hated being afraid.  I suppose because for so many years I lived in fear.  Fear of moving again and leaving friends... so I just stopped trying to make friends.  Fear of my step-father's anger, words... hits ... until I hit bottom and called him out in what my mind said would be a life or death duel.  Mine, not his.  I suppose I won because I overcame the fear, even though it was weeks before I could hear out of my left ear.  But he never raised his hand or voice to me again.

     I didn't live in fear of my first husband ~ a short marriage lasting just over a year ~ and I left him in disappointment.  He wouldn't give up the cocaine for me like he promised... he wouldn't move us into a house of our own without all of the male roommates he liked to get high with.  I wasn't a wife.  I was just someone who cleaned, cooked, and laughed at his stoned friends' jokes and flirtations.  I wanted kids, a home, a future.... and instead just became a doormat.  Not surprisingly a month after I moved out, he showed up at my apartment with his laundry, expecting me to wash it for him.

     No.  I didn't.

     I did live in fear of my second husband.  We were married for almost eleven years, together for twelve, and ten of those I spent walking on eggshells, sometimes literally broken glass, and always wondering what it would be that would set him off.  It could be something someone said to him at an AA meeting... or on a job... in a store.  Something I said... or didn't say.  Something I did... or didn't do.  His anger came without warning, and was the constant "other woman" in our marriage.  There were times when he wouldn't speak to me for months... and I never knew why.  He hit me once with a rake handle... and once was enough to convince me that I didn't want to push my luck with him.  He made threats... to kill family members and all that I loved and held dear... if I ever left him.

     I hit bottom eventually... and did leave him... running across country, sleeping with a loaded gun under my pillow for a year.  The cancer had started then although I didn't really know how long it would take to show itself.  There were issues, abby normal paps, tests, procedures... and the dream of having children became just a dream... never a reality.

     By the time I trusted again enough to marry #3 and become a step-mom, the cancer began to show and so I had some of those pieces and parts removed.  Just enough for a quick fix, but not everything... not all the parts.  The dream of having children went away... as did the marriage.  I have a lot of patience... but sneaking the ex-wife into the step-son's room because she's homeless and they knew I respected his "space" and privacy... was the limit of my patience.

     So here I am now.  Back in the habit of throwing out prayers in ways that don't require spoken words that make me choke back tears, wail like a banshee, and scare my dogs.

     I waited a long time before marrying again... hesitant to let my heart fall for a man with children because I'd been so hurt before.  Falling hard for someone that only I seemed to see the good in.  Falling hard for someone that others judged... and judged me for.  Some that forced me to choose between them... who were surprised when I chose him and not them.  When you give me a choice like that... I won't chose the one who dares to think they are superior over another.  I will always choose the one who didn't ask, or expect me to make a choice.

     Things have happened in the past two years, and I find myself again at the bottom... with no idea this time how to pick myself up.  The cancer is back... only now... there is nothing to take out.  It's become attached to parts of me that I'd like to keep... need to keep. 

     I want to go home to Florida, to be near the water and away from this godforsaken place of dust, lies, and broken promises.  But I don't have the money to do it... apparently planting quarters for those money tree seeds only makes me forget where I planted them, and dollar bills just disappear.

     I could have (should have) stayed in my townhouse in Florida, but got some bad advice and thought that Texas was where God wanted me to be.  Apparently not.  I think He wanted me to take the job in Atlanta that I didn't apply for, but got an offer from anyway, with the CDC ... because He wanted me to resolve a family feud with my brother.  Instead, I chose Texas only because it would put me farther away from my brother, and so I've paid a price for my pride and stubbornness.

     I want to go home... whether to live or die... I want to be at the beach, where I can hear the seagulls call... smell the rain... listen to the cicadas and frogs at night.  Where I can sink my feet into white sands as the waves push in and out... for eternity.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Sunday Selections... Türen Teil 2/Druhá časť dvere

     I'm linking again to Kim at Frog Ponds Rock's Sunday Selections meme of those obscure photos we all have lurking around on our computers.  Time to dust them off and share them by linking up to her page.  Join us!

     These are the doors from my Danube River trip in 2008.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

"May good fortune be yours, May your joys never end."

May there always be work for your hands to do.
May your purse always hold a coin or two.
May the sun always shine on your windowpane.
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

Wherever you go and whatever you do,
May the luck of the Irish be there with you.

Wishing you always...
Walls for the wind,
A roof for the rain
And tea beside the fire.
Laughter to cheer you,
Those you love near you,
And all that your heart may desire.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Picture This...

     Linking up with Edenland this evening for a little lighthearted camera fun.  I have no pictures of me... that are incriminating... and I plead the 5th on whether or not I have any incriminating photos of anyone else stashed away in my blackmail folder.
One of the first free concerts that we went to at Ft Hood after arriving in Texas.
"Reel Heeros Eat Chikin"

This woman was standing in front of us and I was just fascinated with her  hair 'decor.'
She had at least six different hair clips and no apparent plan of attack.
I kept thinking... "What was she thinking?"

A quilt made of bras and ...
... panties thrown at Frank Zappa during his concerts.
This was at the Hard Rock Cafe in Biloxi, Louisiana.
I just couldn't imagine throwing my bra or panties at some guy on a stage...
And then hoped that they at least washed them before making them into a quilt.