you know that feeling you get when you run into an old friend ... someone you haven't spoken to in years because the last time you spoke, you got your feelings hurt by the things they said and did ... and didn't say and didn't do?
you wish you could go back to how things were "before" that feeling, but then you realize that they aren't going to, and you are left with that awkward, uncomfortable pain in your heart that you can't explain ... or understand.
you've moved on ... and it's pretty obvious that they have too ... and now you're left with ... i don't know what. you clearly aren't friends anymore, but you aren't enemies either. you aren't strangers ... but there is no longer that familiarity either. you can be gracious, polite, and civil ... sincerely glad that they appear to be well and happy ... do the one-arm-hug-your-neck-hello-how-are-you-good-and-you dance ...
but you hold your breath and hope that they don't ask you anything more because you don't want to lie and you also don't want to open that door again and trust them with anything more. like reaching out to grasp the hand of a cactus ... knowing you are going to get hurt ... flinching before you even stretch out your own hand.
there are no hard feelings or wishes of ill.
there is just the pain of missing what once was ...
and the pain of knowing it will never be again.