Tuesday, May 7, 2013

someone just prayed for you...

  It has not been a good few days for me.  I've been sick with some kind of a chest cold since the 3rd, and last night it escalated to a fever. My brain has been foggy, and I've sunk into the depths of a depression as I beat myself up for past mistakes, wrong choices, and bad decisions.

  It's what I do when I have nothing else to distract me.

  I cancelled television cable a month ago to cut down on some of the expenses, and while I can watch television online ... there are few shows that I followed regularly enough to want to do so.  Most of my online time, when not blogging, is spent looking for a full-time job.

  I don't miss television.  I suspect I will miss running water if that time comes.  The water company is not as patient or forgiving as the electric company is.  I'm okay until June, knowing that I will be able to pay them.  I may be able to get by for an extra month on the electric bill.  Since I have no air conditioner, the bill will be significantly lower than what it was this winter.

  This afternoon I got a call from the car lot where I bought my vehicle.  [One of those bad decisions I was beating myself up about earlier in the day.]  In all of the chaos that was April, I had forgotten to make my small payment to them (just $50 on a balance of less than $500).  If I was unable to make the payment today, they would come repossess my car tomorrow.  I paid six times what I still owe for the car, and because the car salesman was truly a used car con man, I have had to put as much into it for repairs as I spent buying it.  Now you understand my guilt and regret for that decision.

  I did get out of bed, drove to the bank in my pajamas, and then to the car lot to make my payment.

  I know I'm tired because it is hard for me to breathe right now, and my brain isn't getting enough oxygen, but there are just times when I'm tired because I'm tired of the struggle.  I'm tired of the treading water, waiting for something to happen, tired of the feeling that I'm a salmon, looking up at a 1,000 foot waterfall and knowing that I need to somehow get to the top, but I'm caught in a whirlpool and getting sucked to the bottom.  I'm tired of the white lies I tell my mom, myself, and the one who loves me about how everything is going to be alright when some days it just doesn't feel that way at all.  I'm tired.

  As I was looking for a job, suddenly an email ping pops up.  When I looked to see who wrote me, the sender was PrayerWorks with a subject line saying Someone just prayed for you.  Someone just prayed for me, on a Christian radio station's website where I had posted a prayer request, asking for prayers for a full-time job and sharing my fears about my cancer returning.

  I went back to the page I had been on, looking to see if there were any more jobs I could apply for and again ... an email ping.  This time a friend responding to my email asking if she was well, she'd been silent too long.  As I wrote a response back to her it happened again.

  Someone just prayed for you.

  On a day when I felt so desperately alone and overwhelmed that I was beginning to just be too tired to want to keep going... someone just prayed for me.

  Someone who doesn't know me, someone who probably has as many if not more worries than I do, someone who stopped what they were doing and ... again, an email ping.

  Someone just prayed for you.

  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you for taking the time.  Thank you to the website for setting it up so that the person who posted the prayer request can get feedback.  Thank you for giving me that push out of the whirlpool.  Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone.  Thank you.


  1. Sending hugs and caring and healthy wishes. And while I am at it, hopes for a new job, and some confidence in yourself. No prayers - but fervent good wishes just the same. And I am very happy that people reached out to you in your time of need.

    1. and you know that you were one of those who reached out to me and let me whine. Thank you, friend.

  2. Oh, my goodness! I am sorry to hear you're having such struggles. I know when we're sick, everything wrong get magnified; and fears loom larger than life.

    Are you needing a job through the summer, or a new job, altogether?

    I want to say how much I enjoyed this post. Your very heart is revealed, the tone, your comparison to salmon, etc. I know saying that doesn't make things any better, but you know what I mean.

    Cindi S. - I will be praying for you, too. I want to ask you more, but not here. I will email you.

    1. Thank you, Shelley. A new job altogether would be wonderful. Full-time with benefits. I've loved working as a part-time paraprofessional, but just can't survive on what they pay, and not having benefits really hurts (literally and figuratively).