Friday, December 6, 2013

kickin' it ... back to the beginning ... to reflect

Oh.My.Gosh. this is a post that hits me hard right between the eyes today.  Really hard.  [This] is the first post in this blog.  It is not the very very very first post as those got lost when I was making some changes, before I realized that backing up my blog might be an idea to entertain.

The reason it hits me so hard is because less than two years later, I left all those hopes and dreams in Texas and came back to Florida.  [Because I was scared.]
Reflect

And in reflection ... I've regretted that decision ever since.

I should have faced my fears. I should have stayed and fought.  I should have conquered them.

I rang in the New [2013] Year with a lot of hope.  I had been unemployed since May 2012 and wasn't getting any financial assistance from anywhere ... except for angels and the Grace of God.  Miracles.  Daily.  Kept the lights on and the water running.  Food on the table and in the dog and cat bowls.  I got a part-time job in February 2013, and finally a full-time job in September.  My marriage at the beginning of this year had big question marks around it.  We were separated for a year after everything was said and done.  Confused.  Hurting.  By the Grace of God, we worked through our issues and stayed married.   I was (and we still are) living in my townhouse where the notice of foreclosure eviction could be slapped on the door any day.  I went eight months in 2012 without a car, walking everywhere or relying on friends and angels to get me where I needed to be ... until one of those miracles put me in a car in December 2012 ... which I just made the last payment on probably right before it gasps it's last breath.  I don't know yet about the cancer ... I finally got health insurance (sort of) and will be able to see the doctor of my choice in January 2014.  We are still struggling financially trying to get back on our feet.  The car seems to know exactly how much is left after bills each pay day.  If I hadn't gotten our FSU football game tickets in August for just $15 each, that wouldn't have been a luxury we could have afforded for our [anniversary.]

As I reflect on this past year ... and the distance between Texas and Florida ... I still wish I had stayed there, but I don't think I would have been able to see how much God works in my life ... or how blessed I am if I had stayed at that time.

The last two years have changed me.  Drastically.  They've broken me.  Crushed me.

But I'm still here.

8 comments:

  1. Glad you aren't giving up. Looking back can give us strength because that's where we better see God's hand in our lives and he has surely been in yours. Thanking God for his provisions!

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  2. I am going to contradict you here.
    Stand on an egg. Shuffle your feet around. That is broken and crushed.
    You are bent, bruised and damaged - but have soooooo much more capacity to heal than the egg.
    And (finally) have some positives in your life again. Positives that in the dark days seemed impossible.
    You are a survivor. Be proud. And hugs.

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    Replies
    1. You are right ... and there have been so many positives lately.

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  3. Glad that you are still here. I'm wordless to express how I feel about all that you are going through. I just want you to know that I appreciate your openness.

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    1. Thank you. I've always been a little reluctant to be open about our journey from there to here, especially after some family members accused me of dramatizing our struggles for sympathy. But they aren't in my shoes and I doubt even if they were that they could have walked as long or as far as I did. It has changed my life and my perspective.

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  4. Ah, what a great perspective in the midst of huge trials! I know firsthand how hard it can be to pull that positivity out when everything seems to be falling apart around you. Hang in there, and keep accepting those angelic helping hands! They're definitely there with a purpose to pull you through.

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  5. I feel you! I just moved myself and am an emotional wreck. I do believe that things happen for a reason - I love Florida and will be there for Christmas :))

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  6. Oh God bless you! I am praying for relief for you. I wish you a far, FAR better 2014. You have a good attitude, thought, and you are obviously a very strong woman. I know it's hard, but no regrets. You're so right, everything's for a reason. Sincerely wishing you better days ahead!

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