Tuesday, May 1, 2018

cloudy eyes ...

Revelation can sometimes come from the most unusual places.

A few weeks ago I found it in an episode of Swamp People when one of the gator hunters commented that he had been away from church for too long and "his eyes were cloudy."  When they went back to church, he said it was like "spiritual Visine®."

His words were so profound at the time that I wrote them on April's calendar to think on them for a while.

Recently I found a cute little journal at the dollar store that I started a "bucket list" of sorts in.  I have another journal somewhere in storage that I started almost 30 years ago of some 100+ things I wanted to have, learn, or do.  The last time I looked at it was probably four years ago and I was surprised at how many things on that list I had accomplished without even remembering that they were on my bucket list.

Last night when I opened the new journal up, I was surprised to feel stumped after just 18 items.  I realized that my hopes and dreams have changed dramatically in the past ten years.  Now my list is closer to home, without all the world travels and experiences that I once chased.  It contains things like gardening; relaxing afternoons on the boat drawing up the anchor when needed, and counting clouds.

Six years ago I made a drastic change in my life by walking away from my social circles.  My well-meaning "friends" and family had been telling me what to do, where to go, and how to live for too long and I no longer knew what was truly right for me.  My eyes were cloudy.  Eventually, I realized that "they" wanted me in a place that would benefit them, whether emotionally or physically.

I eliminated the drama-bringers in my life and began to focus on where I needed to be in order to be content.  It began with a 10-week prayer challenge from Beth Moore's book Whispers of HopeIt became my spiritual Visine and I was finally able to think and see clearly.

In the process, I lost virtually all of those "friends" and some family.  There have been times when I questioned my decision to do that and wondered if I should reconnect.  But I realized last week that it was a good thing.  Sometimes what seems like a selfish act is actually self-preservation.

My life is peaceful.  I have less, need less, and am content that it is actually more than I had before.

6 comments:

  1. You have a very clear sighted vision of what you want and where you want to go with your life. Good for you. It IS very hard to get past that feeling that you are being selfish....but you are righr...it is self preservation.

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    1. I think many times we are made to feel that self-care = selfish, and that just isn't the case. It is always impossible to care for anyone else when we don't care for ourselves first.

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  2. I too grew up being told that thinking of myself was selfish. I hope you are wrong in your answer to OSC. I don't care for myself (or even like myself) but genuinely care for others.
    I am very, very glad to hear that you are now in a better place. Not a quick journey, not an easy one, but so worth while.

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    1. I was thinking more along the lines of physically being able to care for someone else. When we don't take care of ourselves, mentally or physically, it can make it hard for us to care physically for someone else. We deplete ourselves. I've been seeing previews on TV of a new movie called Tully, about the relationship of a night nurse and a new mother. It made me realize that when I don't take care of my own needs, I'm useless to everyone else. I've noticed it more now that I'm a "certain age" because I need more sleep, more quiet time for my brain to rest, healthier foods, and exercise.

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    2. Breaking ties with toxic friendships and eliminating the drama queens (and kings) from my life has all been part of caring for myself mentally and emotionally. Which makes it easier for me to function at work and at home.

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  3. I'm so sorry that your circle of friends wasn't supportive when you needed them, but learning how to walk away from people that aren't holding you up is a hard part of healing. So grateful to know some of your story.

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