I chose "thrive" as my word for 2020. For me, it felt like "grow" on steroids. Something I need this year. The funny thing is that both times I tried to write "thrive" in my journal, I've misspelled it. I may need to work on growing my spelling skills. Or have more coffee before I attempt to connect mental processes with finger dexterity.
A few weeks ago, my counselor said to me that she didn't think I was happy, and the comment stopped me in my tracks. Happy? Unhappy? I didn't feel one or the other. I felt numb. But why?
I have stickers in my journal that say "Choose Happy!" and "Choose Joy!" If it was that easy, why was it so hard for me to know which one I was?
2019 ended on a hard note for me. My relationship with my mother was struggling which is why I started counseling. My marriage was/is struggling. Winter brought a lot of snow sooner than expected, with colder weather. I am working from home and inside the house 98% of the time. Even with my happy light and additional D3 vitamins, I know that my Seasonal Affective Disorder is in full cranky mode. We (which included our dog, Charlie) have been under spiritual attack in our home, brought in by outside sources. I spend more time praying for the rapture, any rapture than is probably healthy. Had it really reached a point where I was just lukewarm about everything?
Happiness is an inside job. We do, and can, choose to be happy. We do, and can, choose to be sad, angry, unhappy. I practice my breathing meditations now when I feel anger or frustration creeping into my thoughts, but is it enough? I need to identify the moments when I feel happy and what I'm doing at the time. I need to do more of it.
Bird watching. Crafts. Shopping for little surprises for my sisters and nieces. Decorating. Creating.
For being an inside job, it seems like my happy is mostly found outside of me. With my senses. What I see, what I hear, what I make.
Maybe I should have chosen "Create" as my word for the year. Create joy. Create happiness. It seems to be working better for me than thrive has been so far.